Disclaimer: I have never met, nor will I ever meet LeBron James. Everything in this story is made up. Probably. But I have no way to verify it.
Jason: Woah, you're LeBron James.
Lebron: (pulls hat a little lower on head) How.... How'd you know it was me?
J: Because you're a 6'8" person in a Starbucks in Seattle. Also, I watch basketball. Why are you all the way up here?
L: (chuckles to self) Yeah, I guess I stand out a bit. I visit Seattle every summer after I finish playing in the NBA Finals because of a side business I got here.
J: What side business brought you to Seattle? Is it a something with Amazon?
L: (Shakes head) Nah man. It's fish.
J: (perplexed) Fish?
L: Yeah. I own a bunch of fishing boats. So I come up every summer to see our haul. Then I work with our distribution people to sell the fish to the guys in Pike Place Market.
J: You're quite literally a fish monger.
L: Yes. Yes I am.
J: How... and also why?
L: I'm glad you asked man. I came up to Seattle my rookie year for a game and I saw how cool Pike Place was. I grabbed my buddy Maverick and said, "Yo dude. We gotta get in on this fish game. Look at all these white people just buying up fish. We could be rich."
J: I mean... you're in the NBA. You already rich.
L: Yeah, but I didn't have that fish money.
J: It can't be that lucrative.
L: It is.
J: I don't... I don't know how to respond.
L: It's cool man no one does. It's just a simple three step process.
- Catch the fish.
- Sell the fish.
- Profit.
And you white people don't know how much fish costs. So I can basically charge whatever I want.
J: Well, I guess that makes sen-
L: Like what do you think the fanciest, most expensive fish is?
J: (surveying the line) Well, I don't really eat fish, but I maybe something like Swordfish?
L: (excitedly) Swordfish?! Swordfish? You think a swordfish is the fanciest fish? (nudging the customer behind him) This motherfucker thinks swordfish are fancy. (back to me) Psh... man... those are like pigeons of the sea.
J: (to self) Shit this line is long.
L: I'll tell you what. The real fanciest fish... (in a hushed tone) box jellyfish.
J: (confused) What? I don't think you can really eat a box jellyfish.
L: Exactly. The demand is so low I charge $50,000 per box jelly. Which means the people at the market sell it for $100,000. So when you go to a restaurant to buy one it's like $150,000.
J: No one in the history of time has ever paid $150,000 for a box jellyfish at a restaurant. How would you even eat them?!
L: Dude, that's Phil Mickelson's go to pre-round meal. And for your information, it's served in a champagne flute with a side of croutons.
J: Why the croutons?
L: It's a salad. Duh.
Barista: What can I get you, gentlemen?
J: (to LeBron) Hold on. (to barista) I'll get a tall black coffee.
L: (frantically patting his pockets) Oh man, I forgot my wallet under the heated seats in my KIA K900. Can you cover me?
J: (staring a hole in LeBron) Fine. (to Barista) And whatever he wants.
L: Thanks man. (to Barista) I'll have a grande caramel macchiato with two pumps and double foam.
Barista: Great that'll be $7.94
J: (perplexed) That's a lot of sugar dude. I thought you cut shit that out.
L: Nah man. Not when I'm on fish duty. Gotta stay perky.
J: (grabs drinks from barista) I mean... yeah, but don't you get a sugar crash?
L: Nah, I just get another one in two hours.
J: Holy shit dude that's too much sugar.
L: Maybe for you. Alright man. Thanks for the coffee. I gotta go make some money. Or as they say in the fish business, "move some barnacles."
J: (shouting at him as he leaves) No one says that!
L: (pokes head back in Starbucks) Sure they do.
Barista: Was that guy famous?
J: I think so.